Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Let's Add it All Up!

On Christmas, I received:

2 "Screwpull" bar-ware devices (fancy schmancy)
1 chocolate cookbook
1 pair of to-die-for Frye Cow-boy boots
1 "Everyone Love a Minnesota Girl" T-shirt
3 pairs of pajamas
5 pairs of underwear
1 non-anti-perspirant containing deordorizer
1 pair of slippers
2 gift cards
1 apron (from the spaz dog-nephew and the whoreish girl dog niece)
21 Christmas cards
26 text messages
1 Christmas phone call (from Matt Boyce)
Fluffy white snow!!!!!!!!!

I diveyed out:

-various "Lush" bath products
2 Spinner yard ornaments
eye shadows
1 Caribou hot chocolate gift set
1 Star War's t-hirt
4 Grain Belt Premium Beer glasses
1 foodie book
15 Christmas cards
30 text messages (whilst drunk at about 4pm or so)
2 microwaveable corn-bags
2 gift cards
4 lip glosses
$40 in cold hard cash
2 phone calls to aunties and one second cousin

I "slaved": The past 16 days at the temp job and/or old massage job and/or cooking for family the old Christmas goose (turkey) and delicious side dishes and keeping the cocktails flowing.


Now, I love Jesus. I live by the whole Jesus philosophy. Loving people. Failing, forgiving, apathy, fervor, honesty. You name it if it is good. Jesus loves it and I embrace it. I think about him when I get fraustrated when I get excited when I am drunk when I am waking up when I am on a bad date when I need answers when I have questions when I want peace when I need peace when I long for love or PATIENCE or grace or guidelines to live as a christian. But I am done pretending every December 25th that he is born. And celebrating it with a smile and a purchased item from a mall.

That's not true. Next year. I'll be there buying shit for people in his name. But my heart is not in it. Already, I know that.

When I was younger my grandparents lived in the apartment I live in now. And from their bedroom window we looked out and saw a red light blinking from a warehouse about 5 blocks away. It was Rudolph's nose, "So eat your darn lutefisk and lefse and don't scream your head off during dinner or sing carrols," and then you'll get presents. That was fun. I remember it as fun. But fun stops. The tradition takes an awkward turn. The amount of text messages either depresses or impresses you and Jesus is there all along telling you he loves you. LOVES YOU!!!! You! Asshole!

But the formality wins out, 'cause he'll be loving you (asshole) tomorrow and the next day and the next. Whether or not you remember to get him something from the GAP or not.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Apparently, If you don't celebrate Christmas You're an Asshole

Educated people sometimes bewilder me even more than uneducated people.

It takes about 20 years of school and rigorous tests of one's cognitive abilities to be your common everyday pharmacist. My father is one, as of late I work with about 20, and I've known a few through the years. I usually like them. They get TMI'ed all day long and it doesn't even phase them...until today...

One pharmacist I work with is clearly Muslim. She is also the best pharmacist, if you ask me. Professional, sweet, patient, knows everything...just what you'd be looking for in a druggist. The only thing she doesn't embark on is the chocolate frenzy all the other pharmacists seem to get off over. And one pahrmacist in particular, needs to be put down.

The Muslim pharmacist was minding her own business when someone brought some awesome fudge into work and started to pass it around. When it got to her she declined it politely. Then she gets asked, by her pharmacist co-worker, "So you wouldn't have a little chocolate to celebrate Christmas with us?" Followed up with, "What are you going to do on Christmas?"

I've never celebrated anything other than Christmas. I have wished that I could've participated in Hanukkah forever (I am a closet Jewish person), but only ever Christmas. I know that there is more...out there, but this time of year has always been about me and Jesus and a little something from JCrew. But to non-celebraters I am sure it is as if it doesn't even exist. Just another day.

But this bitch asked her these questions in all seriousness. And I've been pissed off ever since. Some people need to think.

It's like pengins or The Northface with me. I know they exist. I find them nonessential. I do know that people enjoy them but I can live my life without and be fulfilled. (Let's include butterflies, too) I do not need people creeping up to me with a penguin along or to wear Northface and be eager to point out butterflies and then subsequently my aversion and/or apathy to them. That's just plain rude.

I don't like it when people think out loud.

Friday, December 14, 2007


Some call it "the long way home" or "crusing along" or as the title mentioned "joy-riding," but I call it therapy.

The kind of therapy that allows one to light up a Camel Light and Lucious, sip a seriously disgusting Vanilla Cap-u-chino, tally up the hours until a Scrubs re-run is on, and make decisions regarding the betterment of your personality. Lately, the long-way home takes me from the outer skirts of SE Minneapolis to and through the West side of St. Paul "home of the St. Paul Saints" and place to get some decent ice cream and then back into Minneapplesauce (southside) through the ghetto and on to the deeper ghetto where I live.

This route saves me about 15 minutes in grid-lock traffic from the hell carved out of push-pin, Dr. Grip pen loving, colored tabs for the manuals and "hey everyboy it's been 15 minutes since the last time we walked the 10 yards to the lunch room to get tea and it took us no less than 48 minutes to do it" splendor but the route makes me traverse about 5 extra miles through warehouse nothingness. It also probably costs me about an extra $42.30 a week in gas but why should I care? It makes me happy and a little more sane.

This position I took was designed for a person to be described as a "workhorse." I was like "I like to work" and "horsies are cute," so why not take the job? huh? It seriously takes me about 2 hours to do what took the previous woman 80. I don't think that I am well-liked there and that is fine. No one has eaten lunch with me and/or recruited me to join them at Chili's after-hours. Totally fine. I lost the contest that is done every other week in which everyone's name gets put in a hat and one name is drawn. That person has to man the phones for the entire organization (200+ people) while everyone else gets to enjoy a company provided lunch. That person also has to provide their own lunch. When my name was drawn (my first week there) imagine a quiet meadow becoming exponentially quieter. My response was "k."

I've never cared less.

People have been shitty to me lately. Let me vent.
1. Person training me in insisted that I do not write in my own manual. Yelled at me about it.
2. Many sales people at Macy's refused to wait on me for some reason. They were "tired."
3. Told my friend a secret on Tuesday night and he loudly repeated it 2 seconds later to the entire table.
4. Big Bowl put an obscene amount of spice into my Kung Pao.
5. Woman at Mall of America who sells lotions in a kiosk told me my nails were "ugly" and "not feminine"
6. Pressure from people to go on a blind-date
7. Church changed up the service time and didn't fucking tell anyone or at least me
8. The good people who keep the time going on the cell phone at Verizon Wireless like to mess with me and race the time on me...especially overnight.
9. My really awesome friend sends me copious text/picture messages. Each cost me $2. My cell-phone bill was outrageous. But what do you say to someone who has had a rough year?
10. JCrew doesn't make size 6's like they used to.

I haven't resorted to crying yet. Strength is special. For now.

But me thinks a nice pair of Frye Harness boots in brown might make for something a lot little special. We'll see.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

To Clear things up...

...yesterday I was high. The guy was NOT cute, so I didn't bother to learn his name (eventhough it would be a good idea since I might be stationed at this job for a month or so).

Also I * somethings in the Christmas letter I shared with you all. And this stays here:

The mother had an obvious extramarital affair. You have to see the picture to believe it. All the other kids look mildly Asian except the one. She has flaming red hair. I guess a neighbor in the same cul-de-sac had the same freakish, crimson hair as this girl. It is obscenely red. THink Cheez-It box.

Well, besides the godddamn Marine son of hers (she parathesized her granddaughter's name...I like parentheses but to your granddaughter. Don't get me wrong, I think grandchildren are good for nothing but gardening and rubbage removal, but show them SOME consideration) the love child got all the glory. Like "yay, she can train a fucking dog." I've done that about 4 times in my life.

And it is so shameless how apparent this girl is not a part of the family. It like a picture of dark-haired parents (both a touch Asian) four semi-Asian kids and then WHAM!!! Strawberry Shortcake just smiling complacently as if she doesn't even know the joke her parents are cringing over.

I would've adopted her if I was a tad bit older. Just to spare her some weirdness.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Lust? Or Love?

So I am officially in something. With somebody. And he's hot!

I am just thankful that I am a temp. That I'm not actually his co-worker. That I work not with but amongst an insanely goodlooking man. I have before but this is different. Because.

I wonder what he thinks about. At all times.

I just met him today.

This feeling is totally a little special because I know it is silly and unrealistic but it has been a long, long time since I have had a crush on a person. Except for the guy who biked to work and wore saggy pants and worked across the street, I haven't loved or lusted after someone so quickly and completely.

I think he's the one. Tomorrow...I'm going to figure out his goddamn name.

To continue on the Christmas Card madness, the following is another one the family received a couple of days ago:

Just a short note to fill those of you that we don't see very often (if ever anymore) :) in on some of the changes in our family.

BJ (23): Entered the US Army in July 2006. He was accepted to Airborne school and earned his wings. He also got married in 2006 {are we a year behind?!?}. BJ and his wife Summer moved to North Carolina where he was stationed in the 82nd Airborne Division. BJ was deployed to Iraq in June of 2007 and Summer moved back to live with her parents in Oakdale, MN. BJ and Summer had a baby girl (Trisha) in July. BJ was able to come home on leave in October and saw his baby daughter for the first time. He is now back in Iraq due back to North Carolina in June the Lord willing. BJ has had quite a few changes in his life in the past year.

Sara(19): is enrolled at Minnesota School of Business in their Physical Science program. She is doing well and has been on the Dean's list every quarter so far. She is also working part-time at Garson's Pharmacy as a Pharmacy Technician.

Jason (16): Is {why does J's 'Is" capitalized but not Sara's?!?} working part-time at Keyes Cafe and finding out what working for a living is all about {Yeah! Because part-time jobs teach you that?!} His favorite thing to do is BMX biking. Between his trick biking and driving with him for his permit hours I (mom*) have really gone grey {and fucking boring if you ask me}.

Gabi* (13); Talked most of her family into letting her get a dog. She rescued a Siberian Husky from the Humane Society and named her Taya. She has been taking obedience classes with her and is doing so well the isntructor said she could "show her" at comepetitions and also said that Gabi could help the instructor with classes. Gabi also has two guinea pigs, a hamster, and two love birds. (Dan and I have determined we will not have any animals once our children are out of the house).

Cindi (10): Is the typical youngest {slut} child. She gets picked on and bossed around. She is way too involved with electronics. {and shafted in the Christmas letter...and just a little word to Cindi, electronics don't love you back}

Let's say I had some children and wanted to write a Christmas letter. Here's how it would go:

As you all know, I fell in love with my goodlooking husband many years ago on the day I met him. And in our union, which was blessed by God and Anthony Bourdain, we produced three lovely children. All of which I gave birth to standing up and collectively in a half hours time.

Those three children are the loves of our life's and here's what they've been up to.

Jose is now the Pope. He creates holy documents, speaks holy words, and traverses the globe spreading news of peace. He will be canonized a saint upon his death.

Johnnie is a tobacco tycoon. He is clever and funny. And rich. We are so proud of him and truly hope his spirit and engenuity extend to all the children he houses in the 12 orphanages he operates around the world.

Jack is a carpenter. He is deliciously skilled in crafting roll-top desks and whittling his grandmother chubby Buddha dolls out of mahoghany. We love him so.

We hope that you life and especially your holidays turn out to be as fulfilling as just one day of our life.

Merry Christmas Bitches!

Sam, her hot husband (name tba later), and the three wisemen!

Monday, December 3, 2007

Somewhere Out There

At least one other person is watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas." Right now.

That person, is a little special.

And I can only hope that it's a he. And that he's as cute as Linus. (In a grown up kind of way)

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Where did the year go?

This is the ever present rhetorical question posed at the beginning of each and every holiday letter you will receive this year. I am going to share with you the very first Christmas letter my family received. And for confidentiality purposes names have NOT been changed because it is possible that these trailblazers have little to do with internet technology.

Enjoy! My interjections are within parentheses.


Where did the time go again? (again?) Our family is doing really good so far (there is a whole 31 days for that to change). Jay & Trish have done some work to their home and it looks really nice. They had the outside painted and added a hot tub to the back yard. The kids are getting big (Thank God! They shrunk last year). Remy turned 12 in August and Daryq (who I heard questioned the grammatics of his name) 13 the end of November. They live here in Brainerd. (Thanks for clearing that up...the whole where "here" is)

Misty & her family live in Fargo and they are doing good too. Helen is 13 and (as luck would have it) will be 14 in February. Jason was 2 in May, he is such a stinker. (We are supposed to take this as a nonverbal way to say he is not potty-trained).

Roy & I had a good year. We went on 2 vacations. The first one was in February, we went to Hawaii and loved it. (I was beginning to be suspicious of their humanness). We flew to Honolulu and got on a cruise ship and sailed around to the other islands for 7 days, then we spent another 5 days in Honolulu and did lots of sight seeing. It was great! (Finally a great in lieu of good)

Our second trip was in October. We went on a National Park vacation (this is my dream honeymoon...driving the land and road-house loving...let's see Roy & Rita's take on it). We went on an 11 day trip, from here we went to Livingston, Montana, through part of Yellowstone Park, Mammoth Hot Springs. (did someone say Hot? and Mommoth? In the same sentence...sounds like my honeymoon come true) We got married there 30 years ago so we had our picture taken at the same place. From there we went to Idaho (yeah, that's what she said), to Utah, to Arizona, and back to Utah (because why not?), Colorado, Wyoming and through South Dakota and home. There are some beautiful National Parks in Utah, we liked the parks there better than the Grand Canyon (didn't I mention they were trailblazers) even though that (re: Grand Canyon) was nice (WTF?) too. We also visited Roy's uncle in Salt Lake City (and his copious underaged wives), we had a really nice visit. Oh there is so much to see in Utah. (I couldn't imagine these insights) Everybody always said, what do you see in Utah? There is a lot. (They don't know a lot of people)

And we are both lucky that both of our Dads are still with us and doing pretty good for their age.

We want to wish everybody a healthy and happy new year.

Merry Christmas

I am such an asshole, but the good thing about God is that he forgives. Especially, if you are super sorry.

The following is my Holiday letter. I hope you enjoy it.

Hey Everybody! It feels just like it was 365 days ago when I sat down to write about what happened to me in 2006. Boy, does time fly at the same exact rate it does every year.

Enough of making perfect sense and being adorable and more about what I did. Or, let's face it, who I didn't do. Haha...sorry Mom.

I rang in 2007 with 5 gay naked neighbors jumping off my balcony, but things didn't start to get interesting until the end of May in which I embarked on my first one-night stand. Everything was perfect until he called, so i guess you could say it was a one-night stand and a phone call. Well, can't do everything right.

One day in June I got drunk under a bridge. On another evening I took 15 Jello Shots. I caught a glimpse of my future husband and how he deals with pain and suffering. And in July my little brother got married to a person from Wisconsin.

I moved back to the great state of Minnesota in October and miss my Chicago brethren terribly, however, find the move was worth it to end up serving the public in a nonprofit setting and getting a bad, BBBAAAADDD haircut. To top it all off, those Chicago people never really loved me. they just liked all the free lap-dances. Hey, a girl has got to eat.

As I reflect on the past I regret not eating more cheese and giving up cigarettes. Afterall, that save-the-Earth-granola-eating bike messenger from the North-side wasn't worth it in the end.

I am thankful for you; the recipients of this letter. I hope you can forgive me for its candidness, but I am sure it is for my candidness that you love me.

I will leave you with the normal cliched pleasentries of "Have a Happy Holiday Season" and one of Al Pacino's; "Where's the booze? It's flowing like mud around here!"

All my love,


Saturday, December 1, 2007

College Basketball, the Madness has begun

I think that sports are just a little special. College sports, however, are freakishly emotional and just a ton special. I'm sort of a fan. Don't get me wrong, I don't know what's going on half the time, but I guess the whole idea of being a student and an athlete really just make me want to cry tears of happiness.

There is just more at stake. Scholarships, futures, bar revenues, team sport apparel manufacturers businesses, etc. So much conflict on the shoulders of boys and girls barely old enough to vote, much less drink.

Today, I went to the Gophers vs. U of California Riverside basketball game and I fell in love with a certain player by the name of Jamal Abu-Shamala. He was like a one-man cyclone of capability and undeniable hooptastic talent. Tubby had him up and down that court for the greater part of the 40 minute match. And eventhough the event was unevenly matched it was fantastic to see someone rise to the challenge and/or burden of winning and thus perpetuating millions of Minnesotans happiness just a day further.

He also perfected the "I've just been fouled" arms above the head butt slide so many ballers perform. You've seen it. Someone very slightly bumps into them and they throw themselves backward onto the floor with their arms above their heads and slide about 2-4 feet on their ass and display a look of innocent bewilderment.

Pro-Athletes I think should always win. If you are getting paid to play, you should win. End of discussion.