Thursday, January 31, 2008


Compliments of MS Outlook:


Is anyone interested in ordering lunch today for the meeting? We obviously don't have to all order from the same place - but I thought I'd check to see if everyone might want to look at ordering from one or two places so we might have a chance of the food getting there at the start of the meeting. :)

Yes!!!!!! Somewhere not too expensive?

Let me know where you decide, I may or may not order something.

Yes please!

Let me know what you are thinking

Personally, I was thinking Potbelly's because they have a pretty wide selection of things (sandwiches, salads, etc.) so I thought maybe it would have something for everyone. But, honestly I am open to anything. I don't want to make the decision on this - that's why I asked the question! :)

Potbelly is fine with me, but I don't care where we get food, I just want some. Thanks :)

I'm not ordering anything, I brought my lunch today so no vote from me. Thanks!

I think the vote is in for Potbelly's. If you want to order please get your order in to me as soon as possible.



Potbelly? Fine! Thanks :/

Also, I am finding it super hard to communicate via email "conversations." No one understands me the first time and so I usually just copy and paste my original message into my response to their response and then get half the answer I was looking for. And then I give up, do a half-assed job and continue infosnarking.

Today, at work, I took a good look at my office (cube in corner that is three-times as big as everyone else's space and off-set from the rest of the "team by about 5 feet) from all angles and determined that with strategery and silence I could nap under my desk. So I detached my hood from my coat and used it as a pillow and my coat as a blanket (it is ankle length) and laid down for my second 15 of the day. To get up I tossed a paperclip on the floor and crawled out from under the desk as if I was "finger vaccuuming*" my floor. It was as close to bliss as one can get at the job I work.

*Finger vaccuuming...this is what they do at ghetto Catholic schools instead of employing an even half-assed custodian. Everyone is beholden to pick up 10-15 pieces of paper/sand/dirt/fuzz from the floor. We also had to sort recycling bins, bang erasers, and correct simple assignments.

This week has been fun. I spent Tuesday with my friend Lee, while his husband entertained Floridians elsewhere, at the Midtown Global market. We had Greek food, Vietnamese, sushi, and tamales. And then we drove around and looked at foreclosures that they are thinking of buying. I had girl's night last night with my chicas and pounded the world's greatest bleu-cheese stuffed olive dirty martini. I've purchased some cute duds from JCrew. I've seen 12 episodes of Scrubs. Love it! It's been terribly cold, but fun nonetheless.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I do not find it noble

It is quite counterproductive to do any do-gooding on a day that is somewhere near -10 below. People, and by that I mean your average ordinary do-good loving Samantha, will find your efforts efforts done by a lunatic.

Today as I was driving home and having a one-on-one with God (I do that when I drive) I came across this bridge peopled by people with posters and picket signs reading "Stop the War" and "No More War" and "Let the War be Done" and "Let's Battle No More" etc. They aren't that creative. And it is like negative 20. No motorists are honking like the poster "Honk For The War to Be Over" told them to. And I have a feeling that not everybody driving was on the PRO-WAR movement. They were thinking, like me, that these protesters are fucking crazy fucktards.

No one will jump on your bandwagon not matter how noble the cause if you are doing something twenty times more stupid, like picketing in temps that are 40 sub-zero.

I can just see it now:

Protest Organizer (to crowd): It's chillier than a grave-diggers ass out there. Let's get our signs and TO THE BRIDGE! No monuments, buildings or forests to tame the diligent wind. Just us and our cause of war cessation.

Crowd: FUCK Yeah!

And that is the devil at work my friends. I mean, do not get me wrong, I hate the war. But I don't vote because it doesn't matter what I'm doing some Tuesday in November (it's a thing I have about standing in lines, I am very convinced God doesn't want that for me). I digress, I do not like the war. But I despise stupidity more. And while I think this war is semi-moral in theory, war in general is not, but more so protesting in a tundra is even more completely fucked up.

It was a sad protest. Now, I have a headache and I only get about two of those a year so we all know that I've had a bad day.

Monday, January 28, 2008

In the name of chivalry...

...I got called a "big fat bitch."

I am not used to minor gestures of gentlemenness. I think it was from one year and a couple of months in Chicago and getting door after door slammed in my fricking face (except Kelly and my bff, of course), but it was also from much earlier.

Really, I haven't had too many doors held open for me or guys being anything but weird to me. For Valentines one year I got a pack of smokes along with chocolate, another year I got some wigged out cd that I immediately threw away, and another year I spent V-day with some fucked up mobster and his uncles doing peels in a parking lot. He worked two hours a day Monday-Thursday.

So today when I was waiting patiently for a guy to enter a parking lot as it was his right of way and he didn't budge for what felt like twenty years and I mouthed "Move it you sack-sucking corn-fed beast," to him it was like any one of my dealings with the male species. Except this motherfucker called me on it.

"I was being a gentleman," he said when I got out of my car. Then turned around and said, "You don't have to be a big fat bitch about it." And he probably added this because I was pouring Fritos into my mouth straight from the bag (which had been in my car for about a week so he could've added "nasty" onto there and it would've been all the more fitting.)

I am going to go do the elliptical now.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Abbreviated Names

Basically, I think the only abbreviatable names is Wm. Or, in long hand, William.

I was thinking of abbreviating my name to Smha. But it looks a little to much like how one would abbreviate Smithsonian.

Plus, Wm has time on its side. People are used to it meaning William.
I'd have to train people for centuries to start the Smha (or maybe Stha) revolution. And I DO NOT HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME.

My time is limited. I was at the doctor the other day for a routine check-up and she (my nurse mid-wife of awesomeness) asked me, "Any new men in your life?" To which I answered, "No. I am working on myself. But I have made a pact with God. I told God to get my soulmate ready for me and I will get myself ready for him. And I trust God. He will not let me down if I keep my promise."

And she said, "I think you should get married before you turn 30. You are so pretty. That won't last long. Just marry anyone." And she kept rambling along those lines, like it doesn't matter who, just anyone will do and do not trust God because he'd want me for the religious life. So I have about 11 months and 18 days to forge a union to make my nurse midwife happy.

I told her that I already plan on having a home birth because nothing sounds more ridulous than me having children, but than me having a child at my place of residence. And she said she'll be there. So I've got that squared away.

And then she introduced me to the new doctor at the practice who was quite cute. He looked like AC Slater in a lab coat but a tad taller.

On a more unrelated note, I have resumed, part-time, my earlier profession of therapeutic massage. I did 9 sessions this weekend and I am super tired. So I am not sharing very interesting stuff. And for that I am sorry. But one lady did not have a vastus lateralis on her right leg and it felt wicked cool. Imagine missing an entire major muscle.

Friday, January 25, 2008

I am Orientated

Actually, I am Sami.

I spent the better part of this week watching corporate videos, taking multiple choice tests, selecting health insurance deductibles, choosing a beneficiary in the case of my untimely death (my sister and then Chicago Portfolio School), and drinking vodka. At work.

Here is the greatest part of what I learned this week; Hepatitis B can exist out of the body on a hard surface for 5-7 days and studies have shown that while once over half the American adult population read at a sixth grade level now around 60% read at a fifth grade reading level. And I apologize, I do not know at what level in which I write but my typos certainly can only be a hindrance. And by that I mean a hurdle of sorts in the understanding of my message's actual meaning.

I will now write in a way that only fifth graders would understand.

Well, at the place where I go to earn money to pay my bills, they made me learn about the things I will be doing and the place I will be doing it at. They did this by printing out instructions on many pieces of paper and having a lady with a very strong Minnesotan way of talking read the words on the pieces of paper to me. On day three of this boring process I came to work with a water bottle containing Peach VitaminWater and Raspberry Absolute Vodka. I felt like I was in tenth grade once again. When the lady read the part about communicating with your coworkers I was interested in joining the lecture.

She read to us that the best way to make sure your coworkers understand what you are saying is to say it as if they were a fifth grader. And this means you must do the same when you write electronic messages. She said that this is because most people do not read better than most fifth graders. Reading ability is very bad in America. In fact, the creators of the manual ensured that we would understand it because they wrote the job manual at a fifth grade "read-ability" level.

I raised my hand and asked, "So how am I supposed to take the fact that you are reading this manual to me?"

"It is policy that I read it to you. So that I can explain it to you," she replied.

"Do you normally hire people you have to explain a document to that has been written so that a fifth grader would understand it?" I asked.

And she smiled and said, "Yes."

And then about two hours later I learned that Hepatitis B and other potentially dangerous pathogens can exist for about a week outside of the body. So wash your hands.

We were observed by various men and women in ironed garments throughout the three days. On the third day we were made to watch a video for the third time about courtesy. It was comical. The first time.

By the third time I was pretending to laugh and enjoy the video so poorly that one of my new coworkers turned to me and told me to "cut it out."

I responded to him, "Well, give me a scissors then."

He rolled his eyes. "How do you expect me to cut something if I do not have scissors?" I asked. "I'm in fifth grade," I reminded him. Then he laughed.

A man in room observing us through our orientation put his right index finger to his mouth and said "shhhhhhhh."

Don't ever forget to call in sick on your orientation days. This is the only way to ensure to them that you are a smart and competent person.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Evil Triumphs

Evil triumphs when good men do nothing (Edmund Burke)

or if you like,

All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent (Thomas Jefferson)

Now I don't know if any war is good or not or if drugs are worth it or not or if stealing or being a gangster or swindling is even cool anymore anywhere, but I am over drama.

I am, in the words of this blog, going to say my piece.

Peace, my brothers and sisters, feel it.

And I feel it. Come to Minnesota. Feel the love!

Peace is soo super special. Especially when it makes everything all right. There is a Hawaiian conflict technique called Ho'o'ponono which translates to "cutting the cord."

Ho'o'ponono is like the Fish Philosophy video. To be successful you have to make a conscious decision to change your attitude. You play, you be present, you involve others positively, you choose your behavior. Except with Ho'o'ponono you add in the choice to stop manifesting negative emotions about a certain circumstance or person or situation.

It's the hardest thing in the world to do. But Hawaiians are masters at it and they go surfing like 10 hours a day so fuck us, right?

So I will choose to eradicate the absence of PEACE in my life. This is my mission.*

Come and join me.

*I did enjoy the latest "Die Hard" and "James Bond" so my mission will not extend to the big screen. Especially since I will fund my mission of peace off the profits of the world's next great drug drama screenplay I will be drafting starting Februry 1st.

But I often wonder, had Ericka Christensen not free-based cocaine in "Traffic" and if Anoka County would stop broadcasting their Meth-Addiction Informercial at a time when most kids are eating their Lucky Charms (and for real a girl on the informercial made me want to do meth so was so convincing she was like "Meth made me lose 20 lbs and I had so many boyfriends and we just partied at the Marriott all the time downtown...") would we have kids on drugs? And, Basically, I could figure out how to blow some serious shit up watching movies, too. That was never a possibility when I was younger. They don't dumb it down anymore and give the explosives fake names. It's like "put some activated charcoal across the hood of a newer model car with some petroleum jelly. Grab a garbage can made of metal that has been in the sun all day. Get a half a block run at the vehicle and smash it into the charcoaled spot with as much velocity as you can muster. You, incidentally, will not survive. Try tinfoil, a Windex product and cola. Shake it up and stick it in a snow bank. Or maybe my friend taught me that one. I don't know.

Back to peace. Let's do it! Sounds better.

Monday, January 21, 2008

To Express Sadness

To express sadness with the words, "I am sad."
Is like telling your mother she was right about something.

But it is not about your mother
or hearts that don't want to work anymore
or a God that you have faith in
or a friend you have lost

Or anyone even being right about something.

To feel loneliness when you are alone,
Is like agreeing with dentists about flossing.

But it is not about gingivitis
or being a follower
or a listener
or a loner

Or even teeth

To think about the future without a friend
Is like to bake a cake without the flour

But it isn't about you
or the chemistry or gastronomy
or what happens tomorrow when my alarm goes off
or if you're also out of frosting

Or if it is even a cake that celebrates something

To cry because you've lost
Is like shouting when you've won

But it isn't about scoring more
or doing less
or writing a poem
or what words can say hearts or pain or uncertainty

Or if you didn't have words to say about it a week ago.

I couldn't be sadder.
There, I've said it.

But it isn't about me
or how alone I feel
or how hopeless it is to lose someone
or how much I've cried.

Or what comes next.

God, I can only have faith, will heal. And do good things. And show he is purposeful.

Please pray for my friend. He was my father's best and favorite friend. He was a good man. He was loved by so many people who will never forget him.
He will be missed for as long as I live.


And Happy, Happy Birthday Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr!

His quest for justice, much like my friend's, has been inpirational, timeless, and never in vain.

"I won't have any money to leave behind.
I won't have the fine and luxurious things of life to leave behind.
But I just want to leave a committed life behind."
-Dr.MLK Jr.

Saturday, January 12, 2008


I have recently become a collector of frozen dinners.

This really troubles me. I think that I must own one of each. And I don't know why. I've never been a "collect them all" type of person except for Bonnie Bell Lip Smackers and feminine blouses from Free People. But the other day at the grocery store while I was there to purchase strawberries and cottage cheese for the "Breakfast Potluck" at work, I nearly sprinted to the frozen food aisle to check out what was in stock and if I needed to purchase it not to eat but just to have. I only really eat one frozen food entree (Healthy Choice Panini) and all the rest clog up the freezer but I rest comfortably knowing that I have them.

I escaped with no new additions to my collection but a very aware sense that I possess some sort of collecting pathology. I need some hyponosis. Stat!

So. One another note. The date! I know you all have been super curious.

Well, just to get in the frame of mind on the big date day I went to a bagel shop and flirted for about 2 minutes too long with the boys there. I went from being a hit and not getting charged for my bagel OR coffee to Martin (who is adorable) saying "You can go to work now." But then he winked.

Then I renewed my license at the ghetto DMV and flirted once again with the very handsome gentleman who helped me out. And I think I said the following phrases:

"But that guy was a dick." "It's not like I get shit-faced everyday." and "I look like I am staring at a leg of lamb in that picture. Do OVER!"

I might as well have said "I am white trash. Let's have sex!"

As for the date, I got there early and read about 15 pages in my book while sipping delicious iced tea and coming to realize that the waiter for the evening was an old client of mine. But I weigh about 10 pounds more now so I am hoping he didn't recognize me as well.

To the date I told stories about my high school boys basketball team, told him I love Grain Belt Premium and that I hate to travel, and admitted to someday hoping that I contract Alzheimers. Late on-set of course. Oh, and I lied to him about my closet smoking habit. I smoke one cigarette a week on my Friday evening drive home from work. But hey, a lie is a lie THUS I can never see him ever again.

He told me he drove a limo once and people were "going at it like crazy" in the back seat and he really like Busch Light beer. I cried a little inside when he said he wanted some dessert. Don't get me wrong; SUPER nice guy, not for me in any way.

On a happy note, I discovered some fantasy I would like to execute someday. I would like to make-out in a coat closet someday. Just like SJP did with the politician on that episode of "Sex in the City." Nothing hard-core. It could even be my own personal coat closet.

I called my friend Lee and his husband on the way home to let them know I was still alive and the guy didn't trap me in a sewer drain and hack off my knees (which I think happens to some girls on dates) and then went to the grocery store where the first part of this blog was inspired from.

It's been a long week.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

More than sentences...

...nothing less than brilliance.

Here are some more headlines from various news sites. Enjoy!

"Police: Dad threw 4 kids off high bridge." Not just any bridge would do, but a high one was in need. My father has 4 children and when Mama went bowling on Wednesday, Pops took us to Southdale Shopping Mall (the world's first in-door mall). I am very lucky that my father witnessed, whilst in college, the apparent suicide of a man via high bridge otherwise I am sure my bratty self would've been tossed off of one just "to see." My Dad is a big "let's see what this does" kind of man. Yesterday, he poured soy sauce all over a very nice pork roast just "to see."

"Katrina victims sue US for $3,014,170,389,176,410" It kinda looks like PI but they'd have to sue for $127,422,264,613,383 to make it add up. I did the math, go fuck yourself! And I'd be fine with them fleecing America for that much more if it gave them back what they lost. I am just pissed that they are trying to redefine the concept of "losing." One motherfucker seriously sued for THREE QUADRILLON dollars. He probably lost three quadrillion molecules of carbon dioxide he would've inhaled having lived in the house he neglected to insure for hurricane damages. A dollar a molecule? Shit, I pay $3 a gallon for petrol. I'd believe it.

"Stolen Picasso returned." Why? Why not throw it in the trash? I could paint the crap he did with my left foot and some puffy paints.

"Swedish company to harness body heat to warm office builing." The only thing that could make me want to move to Sweden more right now is if I got a job in that building. They melt the snow off their streets by lining up their sewer systems under the pavement so the steam off their poo will warm the asphalt and thus no more snow. No shoveling. No plowing. No throwing your back out navigating on foot. Shit-steamed walkways. Unbelieveable! And office building probably warmed by people fucking a lot at work. That's the only way. I am there!

"Johnny Cash tribute canceled." It's because I have a date tomorrow at a very pretty restaurant. Probably the prettiest restaurant in America! AZIA: Asian fusion by the seasons. Sorry, Johnny. It's Samantha's turn! The date is probably going to suck but too much energy can not perpetuate through the white trash people at once. It's either Johnny Cash gets his due or I get to go on a date. One or the other. Too much yang makes for chaos and then tankers might explode in Florida....or a woman might win a primary in New Hampshire...or Dr. Phil might try and save an imploding starlet...or we might declare war for no apparent reason....

...I didn't mean to go there and YES!! I realize all those things have happened. I ain't illiterate.

Here is how date is going to go:

Sam: I'll have the Shockomoto roll and let me see I want a beverage that will save my life or extend my life? (looks up at date over menu)

Date: hehehhehehehhehehe....I'm going to have a beer.

Sam: I got drunk here once. It was my 26th birthday.

Date: {something I don't listen to}

Sam: I guess I'll have an Iced Tea. But, did you know that muscadine red wines might save your life? I'm just thrilled about it.

Date: Yeah {and more of something I don't listen to}

Sam: I wonder what my friend Jeramy is doing right now. He's cool.

Date: I know a Jeremy {and some anecdote about Jeremy I don't listen to}

Sam: Isn't it really cold out-did you know that this was such a bad neighborhood like years ago and now WHAM! The worlds most beautiful restaurant RIGHT here?!?

Date: I-

Sam: That was rhetorical. I love it here. (caresses table) I like this table. I want to have a son who is a carpenter someday and he will make a table like this for his mother. With pride. I am so excited. I can't wait.

Date: You-

Sam: Did you hear me? I said I can't wait!

.....just be lucky you weren't invited along.


Saturday, January 5, 2008


Hold on kids, this is going to be intense:

I have been saving blurbs for the past week or so and want to share them and my initial reactions with you all.

What I ask of you is to read this blog with complete and total trust that I am reponding the way most people should and would.

Britney said earlier this year when responding to a reporter's question about "how her court date went?" And Britney responded with the following statement: "Eat it. Lick it. Snort it. Fuck it." Well, all I can say is brevity is her strong suit.

"Do dyslexics make better CEOs?" Did they mean OECs?

"Man gets breast implants for his tattoo." And when I read this I thought to myself "was that 'in lieu of' getting a tattoo or did he get breast implants for a tattoo." I didn't read further but I wish I would have.

"I developed a new and improved version of the multiple choice test." THIS was said by a pharmacist that I work with. I didn't stay for the explanation because I don't believe in entertaining idiocracy. Which, by the way, was a super good movie.

"What is swedenborgian?" It sounds cryptic and delicious all at once.

"Jamie Lynn Spears expecting / video" No, I think watching the girl get pregnant is almost as illegal as her getting pregnant. By a middle-aged man.

"Nope, I'm sure of it." I really just like the structure of this sentence. It starts out very pop-culturely negative and then softly gives you the affirmative.

"Why Elizabeth Edwards isn't Hilary Clinton." Besides the obvious.

"Blade Runner: The Complete Ultimate Visionary Final Cut Collector's Edition." Dave Eggers thought he had the world's best title for anything until now. "A Hearbreaking Work of Underachiving Assholicsness" my ass. Blade Runner so wins. Plus, Eggers is a dick and not super geniuslike.

"Man buys pickup with loose change." This breaks my heart. Really, some people are so salty and kumbiya I want to cry. He probably has never had sushi in his entire life. Sucka!

"Take the poison. Take the plate." I want to get Britney in a room and repeat this to her over and over again. Think about it. It's not that I want her dead, it is just that she is ruining everyones life. Take it, Brit.

"Don't make Anna Nicole's mistakes." As far as I am concerned the only mistake she has ever made is taking the poison and the plate. Capeesh.

"See how people use the web to find meaningful answers." This lead into a web tutorial on how to ask a search engine to find out shit like 'who is Mike Huckabee anyway?' or 'are dogs really allergic to chocolate?'

"Jessica Andres: Stay Out of Town (betch)" This was on the side of a cargo train car passing through my 'hood. And that betch better stay clear especially because they dotted the 'i' with a Mr. Poison symbol. This would be my worst nightmare. Someone spray painting nonsense and threats about me around town BEHIND my back. Just give me a heads up.

"Dumb way to Ruin Retirement." If The Gap opened up a store that sold chocolate and had a bar inside, I'd be fucked. For life. No two ways.

"How many shirts did you get for Christmas?" I think that this has replaced the whole 'what did you get for Christmas' question by far. I got about one whole shirt (Florida Seminole's shirt. WTF?). I only gave one shirt (it was a pretty awesome Star Wars hip hop know it's awesome if you want it for yourself for no apparent reason). But people get a lot of shirts for Christmas. It's the go-to. Like socks and brandy.

That is all. How many shirts did you get for Christmas? AND just an birthday is about 10 short shopping days away.