Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Geti Your Yeti A Neti Pot

After suffering countless days with the streptocockovirus and demolishing the better part of a box of Kleenex, I lamented to the right person. My friend suggested something that I heard as a "nutty pot" by U-station tubes being swelled with mucus but was actually a "neti pot" once googled and in my possession.

Well, this thing looks like a genie's lantern and comes with salt packets to be dissolved in luke-warm water and then poured into the superior nostril of one's tilted head. The solution drains out the inferior nostril. Once empty you blow your nose, fill up the pot again and repeat by tilting the head the other way.

This is an instance in which you try to drown yourself standing up in your bathroom. If you think to yourself "I am one Gucci dress shy of stealing Mr. Pitt from Angie," well, then get yourself this apparatus and knock yourself down a few notches. You basically are electing to have snot cascade from the most prominent mucus-membrane of your body. It's not logical. It could be the moment you've been dreading...you know taking yourself to almost the near end of existence for wellness.

But it opens the third eye. As luck would have it! And my third eye has been kind of itchy lately.

And now I see. But more importantly, I breathe. And they are not mutually exclusive. You must breathe to be able to see and what good is breathing if your can't see properly. Metaphorically, that be.

I'd recommend it. Highly. I'm stellar now and plan to be this way for awhile. Unless my sister has me killed to collect my life insurance, I'm not surrendering to the streptocock. Ever!

Did I mention my sister is my beneficiary? And she knows thugs. I'm just saying. Keep that bee in your bonnet. Keep me in your prayers.

I've willed my neti-pot to my friend Kellen. He'd never kill me even though he's already threatened to.

God Bless! God Blesses the Yeti Neti's!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The Perfect

Dog would use the toilet and have opposable thumbs and could understand how to work keys and locks

Friend could read your mind and not go fourteen rounds with you about "what should we do."

Job would include naps, free fresh brewed iced tea, and Cheez-Itz. And no one manages anyone.

Snack is Cheez Itz.

Religion would involve naps and have service at the mall (or outside April-September).

Chair already exists...a recliner. LOVE THEM!

Baseball player died a couple years ago...he was Kirby Puckett.

Rapper is alive and well iand from St. Louis. Nelly is my dawg.

Pair of socks never have to be pulled up.

Underwear never get wedged. No matter how large your tush is.

Date, well, this is how that would go:

Sam: I really like this place.

Date: I chose it because the decor is green. Green represents life, renewel, and also, decadence.

Sam: hehehehehhehehehe

Date: Would you mind if I ordered for the both of us?

Sam: Sure.

Date (to waiter): We'll have the Cheez-Itz crusted walleye on a bed of fresh Cheez-Itz with a side of Cheez-Itz infused roasted winter vegetables. And can we start with some Cheddar-Jack Cheez-Itz and lemon-pepper tuna and the tossed spring greens with parmesan-crusted Cheez-Itz croutons with a cheddar vinaigrette. Did you want to maybe put in an order for the Cheez-Itz danish with an Easy Cheese Cheez-Itz glaze for dessert?

Sam: I am no longer wearing any clothes.

Date: You're so funny. Tell me about your mother crushing your hand with a car door when you were in kindergarten again. That was hilarious.

Sam: Where are those Cheez-Itz you were babbling about earlier?

Date: Did you know that people are like cups of coffee?

Sam: No two are alike?

Date: I was thinking more like; fair trade or mass-produced by gold-toothed monks in Zihuatanejo. Sugar, no sugar, half-n-halfed, or neat. They are energy contained in something tangible. It just blows me away.

Sam: Cheez-Itz?

Date: Do you want to rent "Coming to America" on the way home? We could get a couple boxes of ice-cream sandwiches and just laugh our asses off...

On an unrelated note...The Perfect after dinner drink is the B&B. Delicioso!