Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Get on the floor...

...everybody walk the dinosaur. Or is it "do the dinosaur?"

I don't care.

So I have been listening to this album called "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" by Neutral Milk Hotel and I think that I've been possessed by Jeff Mangum.

It's made me want to make my body or mind or soul do something I never could have imagined it to do.

Kelly, I'm going to send you a copy and I'm going to send Matt a CD to dance to, too.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


...intuition is a little special!

So, have you ever met someone and just knew, beyond the beyond, that they chewed proudly with their mouth open.
And not just when they talked, but even when they were just concentrating on taste and getting the food from plate to palate. Like all the time.

Be patient with me...Old School is on and my attention is getting sometime deflected.

So, I went to the dentist yesterday fr the first time in 5 years and it was free. Never been to the dentist and it be free before...because I have benefits. Love those guys.

BUT, I ask the dentist, "Is it a dental malady that people who chew with their mouth open look a certain way?" And he did what I think a 'guffaw' would be.

Didn't answer the totally honest question. But he had like a root canal in the next room crabbing about nitrous oxide at 8 am. and some shit along those lines.

And this is where intuition comes into play: I didn't like a certain person for the very reason that they were big-mouthed and mean. UnChristian. Unlike the big fellow. And then they said some shit about my muppy (monster puppy) and then I noticed that they chewed with the mouth agape and then I realized that second chance to my first initial intuitive experience about them was unnecessary. Intuition of a person, place or thing is crucial and should not be ignored.

SO...unrelated topic, I am going to chair and host two events at my work in the next month or two. One is a refrigerator cleaning venture in the breakroom and the other is to host a "Silly Olympics" where "Prune Juice Flip Cup" and "After-Lunch Jump Rope Off," will occur. It's going to be epic and I might drink on the job that day.

I've got a hang nail. I think it will never go away.

I've been reading vampire books. I want to be one. Only if God is merciful though. And I'll only eat chipmunks. I swear. God, Are you reading this? Make my dreams come true for once. I believe in you. I mission for you. Do this for me!


No one is reading this and that is super swell.

Intuition is super. And I love it. You should, too!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Should not I be pissed...

...so I'm basically qualified but there are people more qualified that don't work here but maybe should provided that a) kiss tookus, b) actually take prescription meds, and/or c) become amazed at how corporations can anagramize inspirational b.s. in order to further their own interests.

Human Resources should further be called "Vast Waste of Allocated Monetary Resources." VWAMR. Vawamer.

I'm done wasting energy on overwhelmed people by day, underwhelming people by night.

I want to go on record here in saying that I love people. People can really just say the wrong thing to the right person right on time and it's like that magic chuckle materializes.

Like today, my coworker, who is super neato, was eating Hot Cheetos, a hot dog, and then put on some Chapstick during the middle of his feast. So I said to him, "All you need is a well placed match and you might spontaneously combust." And he said, "Get fucked you crazy bitch!" It's like he knew I wanted him to call me that.

I love the human mind. It's resilient and endless.

I need to write more. I'm rusty.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

It isn't a disaster unless you've said "Oh No"

And I do. About 250 times a day, I say "Oh no!"

Sam, you'll never guess what I did last night. I got sick off of Pizza Hut pizza.

Samantha, the printer isn't printing.

Hey, did you know that all these mail boxes are empty?

Have you ever laughed until you almost shit?

How can you ever get upset if you don't vote?

Would you ever consider having a cigarette with us?

That guy in the business office is gay.

I didn't sleep at all last night.

My mother wants me to go to church.

Sami, I'm going to miss Dancing with the Stars tonight.

Did you just yawn?

I couldn't get over it. It says it right there. Carnie Wilson gained it all back.

Samantha, I'm like a size twelve now.

...and the list goes on.

I even gasp. It's sick. You gotta be there.

**I heart you, Kelly!**

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Geti Your Yeti A Neti Pot

After suffering countless days with the streptocockovirus and demolishing the better part of a box of Kleenex, I lamented to the right person. My friend suggested something that I heard as a "nutty pot" by U-station tubes being swelled with mucus but was actually a "neti pot" once googled and in my possession.

Well, this thing looks like a genie's lantern and comes with salt packets to be dissolved in luke-warm water and then poured into the superior nostril of one's tilted head. The solution drains out the inferior nostril. Once empty you blow your nose, fill up the pot again and repeat by tilting the head the other way.

This is an instance in which you try to drown yourself standing up in your bathroom. If you think to yourself "I am one Gucci dress shy of stealing Mr. Pitt from Angie," well, then get yourself this apparatus and knock yourself down a few notches. You basically are electing to have snot cascade from the most prominent mucus-membrane of your body. It's not logical. It could be the moment you've been dreading...you know taking yourself to almost the near end of existence for wellness.

But it opens the third eye. As luck would have it! And my third eye has been kind of itchy lately.

And now I see. But more importantly, I breathe. And they are not mutually exclusive. You must breathe to be able to see and what good is breathing if your can't see properly. Metaphorically, that be.

I'd recommend it. Highly. I'm stellar now and plan to be this way for awhile. Unless my sister has me killed to collect my life insurance, I'm not surrendering to the streptocock. Ever!

Did I mention my sister is my beneficiary? And she knows thugs. I'm just saying. Keep that bee in your bonnet. Keep me in your prayers.

I've willed my neti-pot to my friend Kellen. He'd never kill me even though he's already threatened to.

God Bless! God Blesses the Yeti Neti's!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The Perfect

Dog would use the toilet and have opposable thumbs and could understand how to work keys and locks

Friend could read your mind and not go fourteen rounds with you about "what should we do."

Job would include naps, free fresh brewed iced tea, and Cheez-Itz. And no one manages anyone.

Snack is Cheez Itz.

Religion would involve naps and have service at the mall (or outside April-September).

Chair already exists...a recliner. LOVE THEM!

Baseball player died a couple years ago...he was Kirby Puckett.

Rapper is alive and well iand from St. Louis. Nelly is my dawg.

Pair of socks never have to be pulled up.

Underwear never get wedged. No matter how large your tush is.

Date, well, this is how that would go:

Sam: I really like this place.

Date: I chose it because the decor is green. Green represents life, renewel, and also, decadence.

Sam: hehehehehhehehehe

Date: Would you mind if I ordered for the both of us?

Sam: Sure.

Date (to waiter): We'll have the Cheez-Itz crusted walleye on a bed of fresh Cheez-Itz with a side of Cheez-Itz infused roasted winter vegetables. And can we start with some Cheddar-Jack Cheez-Itz and lemon-pepper tuna and the tossed spring greens with parmesan-crusted Cheez-Itz croutons with a cheddar vinaigrette. Did you want to maybe put in an order for the Cheez-Itz danish with an Easy Cheese Cheez-Itz glaze for dessert?

Sam: I am no longer wearing any clothes.

Date: You're so funny. Tell me about your mother crushing your hand with a car door when you were in kindergarten again. That was hilarious.

Sam: Where are those Cheez-Itz you were babbling about earlier?

Date: Did you know that people are like cups of coffee?

Sam: No two are alike?

Date: I was thinking more like; fair trade or mass-produced by gold-toothed monks in Zihuatanejo. Sugar, no sugar, half-n-halfed, or neat. They are energy contained in something tangible. It just blows me away.

Sam: Cheez-Itz?

Date: Do you want to rent "Coming to America" on the way home? We could get a couple boxes of ice-cream sandwiches and just laugh our asses off...

On an unrelated note...The Perfect after dinner drink is the B&B. Delicioso!

Thursday, January 31, 2008


Compliments of MS Outlook:


Is anyone interested in ordering lunch today for the meeting? We obviously don't have to all order from the same place - but I thought I'd check to see if everyone might want to look at ordering from one or two places so we might have a chance of the food getting there at the start of the meeting. :)

Yes!!!!!! Somewhere not too expensive?

Let me know where you decide, I may or may not order something.

Yes please!

Let me know what you are thinking

Personally, I was thinking Potbelly's because they have a pretty wide selection of things (sandwiches, salads, etc.) so I thought maybe it would have something for everyone. But, honestly I am open to anything. I don't want to make the decision on this - that's why I asked the question! :)

Potbelly is fine with me, but I don't care where we get food, I just want some. Thanks :)

I'm not ordering anything, I brought my lunch today so no vote from me. Thanks!

I think the vote is in for Potbelly's. If you want to order please get your order in to me as soon as possible.



Potbelly? Fine! Thanks :/

Also, I am finding it super hard to communicate via email "conversations." No one understands me the first time and so I usually just copy and paste my original message into my response to their response and then get half the answer I was looking for. And then I give up, do a half-assed job and continue infosnarking.

Today, at work, I took a good look at my office (cube in corner that is three-times as big as everyone else's space and off-set from the rest of the "team by about 5 feet) from all angles and determined that with strategery and silence I could nap under my desk. So I detached my hood from my coat and used it as a pillow and my coat as a blanket (it is ankle length) and laid down for my second 15 of the day. To get up I tossed a paperclip on the floor and crawled out from under the desk as if I was "finger vaccuuming*" my floor. It was as close to bliss as one can get at the job I work.

*Finger vaccuuming...this is what they do at ghetto Catholic schools instead of employing an even half-assed custodian. Everyone is beholden to pick up 10-15 pieces of paper/sand/dirt/fuzz from the floor. We also had to sort recycling bins, bang erasers, and correct simple assignments.

This week has been fun. I spent Tuesday with my friend Lee, while his husband entertained Floridians elsewhere, at the Midtown Global market. We had Greek food, Vietnamese, sushi, and tamales. And then we drove around and looked at foreclosures that they are thinking of buying. I had girl's night last night with my chicas and pounded the world's greatest bleu-cheese stuffed olive dirty martini. I've purchased some cute duds from JCrew. I've seen 12 episodes of Scrubs. Love it! It's been terribly cold, but fun nonetheless.