The Perfect

Dog would use the toilet and have opposable thumbs and could understand how to work keys and locks

Friend could read your mind and not go fourteen rounds with you about "what should we do."

Job would include naps, free fresh brewed iced tea, and Cheez-Itz. And no one manages anyone.

Snack is Cheez Itz.

Religion would involve naps and have service at the mall (or outside April-September).

Chair already exists...a recliner. LOVE THEM!

Baseball player died a couple years ago...he was Kirby Puckett.

Rapper is alive and well iand from St. Louis. Nelly is my dawg.

Pair of socks never have to be pulled up.

Underwear never get wedged. No matter how large your tush is.

Date, well, this is how that would go:

Sam: I really like this place.

Date: I chose it because the decor is green. Green represents life, renewel, and also, decadence.

Sam: hehehehehhehehehe

Date: Would you mind if I ordered for the both of us?

Sam: Sure.

Date (to waiter): We'll have the Cheez-Itz crusted walleye on a bed of fresh Cheez-Itz with a side of Cheez-Itz infused roasted winter vegetables. And can we start with some Cheddar-Jack Cheez-Itz and lemon-pepper tuna and the tossed spring greens with parmesan-crusted Cheez-Itz croutons with a cheddar vinaigrette. Did you want to maybe put in an order for the Cheez-Itz danish with an Easy Cheese Cheez-Itz glaze for dessert?

Sam: I am no longer wearing any clothes.

Date: You're so funny. Tell me about your mother crushing your hand with a car door when you were in kindergarten again. That was hilarious.

Sam: Where are those Cheez-Itz you were babbling about earlier?

Date: Did you know that people are like cups of coffee?

Sam: No two are alike?

Date: I was thinking more like; fair trade or mass-produced by gold-toothed monks in Zihuatanejo. Sugar, no sugar, half-n-halfed, or neat. They are energy contained in something tangible. It just blows me away.

Sam: Cheez-Itz?

Date: Do you want to rent "Coming to America" on the way home? We could get a couple boxes of ice-cream sandwiches and just laugh our asses off...

On an unrelated note...The Perfect after dinner drink is the B&B. Delicioso!