I am Orientated

Actually, I am Sami.

I spent the better part of this week watching corporate videos, taking multiple choice tests, selecting health insurance deductibles, choosing a beneficiary in the case of my untimely death (my sister and then Chicago Portfolio School), and drinking vodka. At work.

Here is the greatest part of what I learned this week; Hepatitis B can exist out of the body on a hard surface for 5-7 days and studies have shown that while once over half the American adult population read at a sixth grade level now around 60% read at a fifth grade reading level. And I apologize, I do not know at what level in which I write but my typos certainly can only be a hindrance. And by that I mean a hurdle of sorts in the understanding of my message's actual meaning.

I will now write in a way that only fifth graders would understand.

Well, at the place where I go to earn money to pay my bills, they made me learn about the things I will be doing and the place I will be doing it at. They did this by printing out instructions on many pieces of paper and having a lady with a very strong Minnesotan way of talking read the words on the pieces of paper to me. On day three of this boring process I came to work with a water bottle containing Peach VitaminWater and Raspberry Absolute Vodka. I felt like I was in tenth grade once again. When the lady read the part about communicating with your coworkers I was interested in joining the lecture.

She read to us that the best way to make sure your coworkers understand what you are saying is to say it as if they were a fifth grader. And this means you must do the same when you write electronic messages. She said that this is because most people do not read better than most fifth graders. Reading ability is very bad in America. In fact, the creators of the manual ensured that we would understand it because they wrote the job manual at a fifth grade "read-ability" level.

I raised my hand and asked, "So how am I supposed to take the fact that you are reading this manual to me?"

"It is policy that I read it to you. So that I can explain it to you," she replied.

"Do you normally hire people you have to explain a document to that has been written so that a fifth grader would understand it?" I asked.

And she smiled and said, "Yes."

And then about two hours later I learned that Hepatitis B and other potentially dangerous pathogens can exist for about a week outside of the body. So wash your hands.

We were observed by various men and women in ironed garments throughout the three days. On the third day we were made to watch a video for the third time about courtesy. It was comical. The first time.

By the third time I was pretending to laugh and enjoy the video so poorly that one of my new coworkers turned to me and told me to "cut it out."

I responded to him, "Well, give me a scissors then."

He rolled his eyes. "How do you expect me to cut something if I do not have scissors?" I asked. "I'm in fifth grade," I reminded him. Then he laughed.

A man in room observing us through our orientation put his right index finger to his mouth and said "shhhhhhhh."

Don't ever forget to call in sick on your orientation days. This is the only way to ensure to them that you are a smart and competent person.